Added: Sheila Bravo - Date: 10.01.2022 12:44 - Views: 23942 - Clicks: 5842
Up until I had my epiphany seven years ago, about unavailable relationships and in particular my own unavailability, I was convinced that I had a special skill that made available men unavailable. Blowing hot and cold is never a good and it is in fact a code red alert because you can never trust in this person enough to know what to expect from them.
With all of this jiggering around with the hot and cold, you may think you still have something going on the hallmarks but your relationship will not have the landmarks. This is unhealthy and demeaning. The person who blows hot and cold thrives on control and equates feeling out of control with desire.
They get curious. This lack of control causes them to overestimate their interest and their capacity for a relationship and they do this by Future Faking and Fast Forwarding you through the early stages of the relationship. The promises, the thinly veiled hints about things they see you both doing in the future and the intensity, blinds you to paying attention to red flags and sweeps you off your feet. Blowing lukewarm or cold should be a wake-up call if not the exit bell ringing. At the very least, it is a that you need to step back, stop, look, listen and evaluate what the hell is going on.
The moment that you allow someone to be inconsistent, you are allowing your expectations to be managed down. What are you going to do? Keep doing these things in order to get attention from them? Blowing hot and cold is ambivalent, ambiguous, inconsistent, contradictory, unreliable, unstable and yes, at times, assclownary. You cannot forge a mutually fulfilling relationship with someone who blows hot and cold, so why waste your time? You can also check out my ecourses. I have been there, done that. I was so hurt over the things he said, and his dismissive actions.
It seemed to me it was all of a sudden…just from one day into the next. I did the only thing I thought I could do…I walked. He tried to get back with me through s. As if! He hurts my feelings and no apology, no explanation, just an ? Many s followed, no phone calls no knocks at my door. And he got no response in return. Yes, I hurt for a very long time, and the first year I secretly prayed for that knock at the door or the ring of the phone.
It never came and I never went back. Wow, Dating a girl who blows hot and cold too. Another amazing and dead on post. BUT everything you say seems to be exactly what I need to hear, learn, consider, admit, etc. I am no stranger to self help, therapy and consider myself very self aware, hard on self and other things. I do or feel or have familiarity with so many things in the post…and every other post you have.
I have been with many unavialable men, and have myself in the past, been that unavailable girl. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for what you do, say and how much help you have given to so many through your great posts. I am not kidding when I say I get more out of your posts than any therapy or book I have read. God bless you for being real, straight up and right on.
You are a gift to us all. Everything you said has merit. It was pathetic how many excuses I made for him, because deep down, and on the surface, he was a great, loving guy, just not healthy for me, and not healthy enough to be in a relationship. I was equally responsible for keeping him where he did not want to be. He wanted out, aand I thought we could make it work many times.
I know he loved me, and it hurts, but it gets better all the time. Your insight is so helpful during these times. Do they actually connect the dots between their behavior and the response that they get? Is it intentional, or is it a learnt behavior patter which, in order for them to recognize it, requires a good deal of introspective and self-analysis?
Excellent article. I think these men know exactly what they are doing. At least the ones with a lot of practice do. My friend hit the nail on the head and I will always remember that comment. It helped me go NC. His behaviour became very painfully predictable — I knew him so well. Yes, definitely. Did he understand his own behaviour, what was causing it or what to do about it? No, not at all. Did he care to do anything about it? Nope, not at all.
He left shortly afterwards with the sound of someone holding back tears. That was the end. I believe he acted on his feelings — on instinct. Pure and simple. The authors describe my ex and his behaviour and my own! Those EUMs who care not to hurt women will leave us alone! He said he was not hurting me intentionally. End of conversation. He just looked peevish. As examples, Carter and Sokol suggest this: — They are totally ambivalent and are acting out their ambivalence. Nat has said similar too. But we can certainly make ourselves braver. Yes Grace. What concerns me most is not what it says about him but what it says about me.
I suspect I am a bit of a hopeless case. Fearless Wow, the more you explain your story, the more apparent it is you have been through sooo much, all while raising a daughter. Sorry to barge into your convo with Grace, but can I ask a question? Your comment surprised me, but I suppose I only know what I have read about you for a few weeks. Hugs to you as you continue your journey.
They are fence sitters. They are literally fearful of making a decision either way, so they just eff people about instead, running hot and cold to manage their options.
But I am more of the passive kind of EU person, which makes me vulnerable to the active kind the EU male. So I go on; and I think I am fearful of thinking too much about my part in it — it shocks me deeply. I just try to be glad I found my way out before I died in that rabbit hole the way out came in the form of Natalie Lue; to her I will always be grateful.
Thanks for your kind words Learner — appreciate! Blowing hot and cold works for them. As soon as the person feels they are getting too close or that the other person is getting too close, they retreat. The more effort you put in the more they realise they can do whatever they want and you will still be there. Meantime, the other person feels left out in the cold. My parents are nutters. I live on the moon.
My past is too complicated. It can be uncomfortable. And downright scary. I appreciate too your comment that I merely played it out with one man rather than with many. I am quite pleased that I have made some progress. I had lunch with four guys. Another guy was someone who I would have immediately been attracted to in the past aloof and stand offish the very challenge I like.
It transpired in later conversation he had a girlfriend who guess what lived overseas… I laughed to myself.
The fourth guy is a friend of mine who invited me to lunch in first place. Grace you give me hope that we can keep progressing along getting better. Fearless I relate so much to what you say and it is hard to stop and think wow I let him treat me in such and such a way where was my head?
You are further ahead than me. Well done; sounds like you know what you want. I run hot and cold with the idea. I questioned myself further: Enough of the ambivalence — no more excuses. Decide, Fearless, on balance, would you like to be in a relationship or not? Answer: Yes, of course, I would. Quick rethink on answer one: IF it was a good relationship. I associate it with abandonment anxiety BR as helped me to understand that — I never knew that before. I had a good relationship with my first boyfriend at 16 years old until I was about 22, but we were young and both moved on eventually.
My second boyfriend was great for a while, but that went tits up after two years. I ended up very hurt and it took me too long to get over it. Since then I have only ever found relationships difficult, hurtful and very very disappointing I own my part in that — in my choices. I got the relationships I asked for. Answer: Yes. I am willing to put myself out there.
I seriously need to dump my hot and cold approach to myself and my future. I am at least seeing my running hot and cold with myself and my needs and desires as a really serious issue that has to be dealt with. So, progress? Or am I still kidding myself? Why not just be open to some new experiences, hobbies, places to hang out and see what and who is out there? Thanks for that and the rest. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Mingling with some new folks is just mingling with some new folks. Even a date would be, well, just a date!
Dating a girl who blows hot and cold took me running hot and cold before I could answer your last two questions affirmatively and then to trust my judgment even though I wobble a bit. I am committed to treating him decently, not letting the fantasizing or anxiety get the better of me, to keeping my word and to the fact that one day I may very well have to live a life of compromise over when I eat, what I eat, when I go to bed,what I do with my time.
But I consider the sacrifice of freedom to be worth it. I am still learning what it is to love and be loved. The man has been a huge help to me.Dating a girl who blows hot and cold
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How To Handle Someone Who Likes To Play Hot And Cold