Added: Hanifah Sessums - Date: 28.01.2022 20:08 - Views: 21180 - Clicks: 6132
Perhaps this is because, in the context of marriage and committed relationships, women are still accustomed to doing things according to cultural norms and expectations — whether due to pressure, obligation, or simply as part of a trade-off. What women do in marriage tells us less about what they want than about what they value. Women wanting an affair their affairs, however, we get a penetrating glimpse into their free will.
Far be it from me to justify infidelity, but as a seeker of truth, I have come to find the truth often hides in places that are less comfortable. They met at the Brooklyn coworking space where she runs her startup. When I inquire as to why, she tells me that in the last year, she has lost interest in sex.
It really freaked me out. I reached out to my old flame to find out if I had really lost that part of myself. Madison discovered that her playful, erotic self was far from dead. In my conversations with her, we explore the fact that she often finds it difficult to hold on to her own identity in the context of her relationships. In her affair, however, she knows for a fact that she is doing what she actually wants. Secrecy becomes her pathway to autonomy.
She is no longer playing a culturally sanctioned role — the nice girl, the girlfriend, the wife, the mother. Men, the theory goes, need novelty and variety in order to feel turned on, while women need closeness and attachment. Researcher Marta Meana invites us to question this assumption.
But women are well trained to put their emotional needs ahead of their erotic needs — they have much to gain from choosing stable relationships over sexual pleasure.
Research shows that men remain sexually interested in their partners for longer, with the decline of desire happening gradually. Women tend to lose their interest in a shorter amount of time and rather precipitously.
But more often than you might imagine, those same women shock themselves and their partners by ending up in a torrid affair. So what does this tell us?
Not that women are less interested in sex, but that women become less interested in the sex they can have. Female desire is a drive that needs to be stoked more intensely and more imaginatively if women are not to lose interest. Madison is enchanted by the girl who jumps on the subway at lunchtime to meet her lover at his studio. The girl who makes dinner for her boyfriend leaves her cold. An affair is always an erotic plot that is inherently exciting. What turns a woman on is to be the turn-on.
The selflessness required of the wife and mother is at odds with the selfishness that is inherent to desire. When women find themselves in caretaking roles, they sometimes find it difficult to embrace the kind of self-absorption that is essential to sexual pleasure. Some women can just take off the apron, put the baby to bed, Women wanting an affair let go. But others find that they can do this only when they are outside of the home, and with someone who has no need of their caretaking.
But ironically, once the commitment is made, the equation shifts. And this is even more true in committed relationships, where the woman may suspect that she is simply the convenient object of desire, rather than the chosen subject. He just gets on with it. Women, the story goes, stray only when they are sad, lonely, and love-starved. Men, on the other hand, are driven beyond the marital bed by the force of their physical desires.
A little historical context helps put this assumption in perspective. Women faced pregnancy, mortality, public shame, and ostracism. Even today, there are still nine countries where a woman can be killed for straying. Madison has enjoyed her fling, but she feels bad about lying to Steve.
She wants their relationship to work, and she asks me what she can do to reignite their erotic connection. I often say to my patients that if they could bring into their relationships even a tenth of the boldness, the playfulness, and the verve that they bring to their affairs, their home life would feel quite different. Our creative imagination seems to be richer when it comes to our transgressions than to our commitments. It is no accident that many of the most erotic couples lift their marital strategies directly from the infidelity playbook.
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Why Women Cheat